21 Things I Really Wish My Dog Would Remember:

1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
3. If I roll my toys behind the fridge or behind the sofa, they're gone.
4. I can shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE I enter the house.
5. I should not eat the cats' food, either before they eat it or after they throw it up.
6. It is not necessary to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
7. The bathroom wastebasket is not a cookie jar.
8. I should not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
9. If I chew crayons or pens, especially the red ones, my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
10. When in the car, I should not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
11. Since we do not have a doorbell, I don't have to bark each time I hear one on TV.
12. I should not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
13. The sofa is not a face towel.
14. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
15. I should not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's drivers license and car registration.
16. I should not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
17. If I eat mint-flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage, my people will think I have worms when they see a string hanging out of my butt.
18. I am not obligated to roll around in the dirt immediately after getting a bath.
19. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.
20. The toilet bowl is not a never-ending water supply.
21. The cat is not a squeaky toy, so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's probably not a good thing.